Tune in to attend.
Have you ever wondered how some people seem to be able to connect with their feelings and emotions and others seem completely disconnected from their own internal world?
Our emotional worlds need not remain a complete mystery to us. It is a part of our experience that we can learn to be curious about, grow in our understanding of, and develop confidence that we can manage. Research indicates that people who suppress their emotional experience and tune out their internal world are much more likely to experience primarily distressing emotions. When we try to tune out and disconnect from our internal world of emotions, memories, sensations, and experiences, we often succeed, but to our own detriment.
So, how do we go about connecting to what’s happening internally in a way that feels safe and okay?
First, we have to make a decision to be curious, rather than judgmental. Many of us have learned, explicitly or implicitly, that our emotions are not to be trusted and therefore are better left ignored. They complicate things, they distract from logical decision making, they only leave us disconnected from others. Others have learned that emotions are scary, overwhelming, or even wrong. All of those beliefs are reflections of judgment rather than of curiosity.
What if emotions were simply information?
If emotions were information, what information might we be missing out on because of a judgmental stance towards it? If you’re hurt, in pain, in the presence of something good, in the presence of something dangerous, anticipating or experiencing a good gift, or experiencing something you want to draw near to or away from - that’s all good information to access. And that’s the sort of information that emotions provide. But that’s information we don’t have access to if our stance towards emotions is one of judgment.
So first, we must determine to be curious about what is happening in our internal world.
Second, we must learn to recognize what is happening in our internal world. For many, learning to identify where they are within the Window of Tolerance is the first step in this recognition process. Simply noticing if the experience is one of hyper-activation or hypo-activation helps to normalize and regulate the experience. Observing the self, in this way, isn’t about being self-focused or self-centered, but about learning to be self-aware. While self-awareness alone may not bring any change, it provides a great deal of information so that change becomes possible.
This act of “tuning in” first requires us to slow down. To be still a moment. To pay attention and observe what is happening. Using the Response Triangle is a great way to do that. Simply asking: what’s going through my mind right now?, what’s happening physically in my body?, what emotion is present?, are all ways of tuning in.
Third, once we have learned how to recognize what’s happening - in our mind, bodies, or emotions - we can now make better choices to move towards what would be good and helpful. We can learn how to attend to our need in this moment.
Attending to our self may take many forms. It could mean learning to identify lies we believe and counteracting those lies with truth. It could mean engaging in some deep breathing in order to allow our central nervous system to calm and return to a regulated state. It could mean paying attention to our body and offering it what it needs in terms of rest and refreshment or movement and play.
Many times we think of self-care as an indulgence. But self-care isn’t about checking out of life, pampering yourself, and splurging on unnecessary excess. Self-care is about learning how to offer yourself what would actually be refreshing to your soul. What would actually bring you a deeper experience of rest. What would actually help you to remain engaged in life, but in a way that is more clear-headed, courageous, and confident.
This is a life long process for all of us. And we can make some pretty big strides by simply turning our judgment to curiosity, tuning in to our internal world, and attending to our present need.
How have you learned to slow down and pay attention? What does attending to your body, mind, and emotions look like?
